The first week in Spain was like a constant incredible high...
I felt this unfamiliar and incredibly strong sense of Self throughout--
Independent of external variables.
Also a freeing sense of trust and spontaneity, which is unusual for me.
I had hoped I could bring some of this revived quality back home with me.
The past few days though, old feelings have begun to stir. And, terrified I of losing that elated sense of self and of trust, I am desperate to push the old feelings away.
Just last night I felt like I was cycling between feeling panicked, broken-hearted, incredibly tender and open-hearted and then electrically terrified again. I could almost feel the fear physically pulsating through my muscles.
I don't want to feel like this in Spain! I thought.
But the truth is. I do. I probably will again, more than once. The sooner I stop trying not to the sooner I can probably let it go.
If I have learned nothing else from this course thus far, I have learned that many of the most inspired artists in history were sentimental, dark, twisted, and led emotionally-troubled lives.
I saw a peacock in the park just now. It seemed to re-open my heart again. I guess as long as I'm here, I may as well hang on for the ride!!
Perhaps the more my heart breaks, the more open it may become.
No comments:
Post a Comment